My name is [redacted! Nice try, Government!] and I’m a law student from the UK. I’m 23 years old. I am a woman. I am Black. I try to follow the teachings of Christ. And also Marx.
I got the title of this blog from a poem in the Unauthorized Autobiography of Lemony Snicket. The name of the poem is ‘My Silence Knot’. I have always loved Lemony Snicket’s work, and as an adult it resonates with me even more. I chose this poem in particular because sometimes, for me, dealing with trauma is like having a knot of words in my throat. Words I want to say but I can’t for some reason, and it chokes me, like a knot.
Here is the poem, in its entirety
My Silence Knot
My silence knot is tied up in my hair,
As if to keep love out of my eyes.
I cannot speak to one for whom I care.
A hatpin serves as part of my disguise.
In the play, my role is baticeer,
A word which here means “person who trains bats.”
The audience may feel a prick of fear,
As if sharp pins were hidden in their hats.
My co-star lives on what we call a brae.
His solitude might not be just an act.
A piece of mail fails to arrive one day.
This poignant melodrama’s based on fact.
The curtain falls just as the knot unties,
The silence broken by the one who dies.
I’m still young, and I have grown and changed a lot in the past few years, and it would be arrogant to assume that I won’t grow and change in the coming years. But I stand by my opinions as I have written them here, contradictory and incoherent as they sometimes may be. This blog was started as part of my own healing and growing process – I am not an expert in anything and nothing I write here should be consumed uncritically. I sometimes write when I am angry and upset.
This blog may discuss topics that many may find upsetting, such as rape, abuse, and other traumas, so please proceed at your own risk.